(no subject)

[itismeangied]

 

How sick am I?

Obsessions, yes

Depression, sure

They nuzzle, stratified

Cenozoic remains

Decades familiar and well-worn

Like desert dirt in the wanderer's denim

Red stains where the hands ran down the thigh

To soothe the mind while the legs rested

I descended

in the psycharcheological dig 

of my experience

And was left with not a puddle, but a lake...

a body of pain maybe ocean-broad, 

I can't be certain yet. 

I thought my parents nailed it

But my therapist confirmed

This was false.

But most parents failed.

they did the best they could with what they had.

In fact, it's nearly impossible for any of us to survive childhood

Without at least a minor trauma

and a major complex

Undiscovered needs passed over, 

High expectations, unresolved pain, unspoken emotion, raised voices.

Even in utero

A mother's indecision or anxiety

Could be fetus-felt.

And I realize I've much work to do

Meet my shadow and craft a dance to wake the demons and invite them dinner, maybe more after. 

And I'm healing from all the work I got done. 

Cut into my back along the vagus nerve.

Is this a butterfly or angel wing? 

A halo for a thought prostitute.

I grieve my perfect childhood

and my parents trauma

because they didn't have an easy time. 

they did the best they could with what they had.

We have to speak and feel and express. 

Instead of silence, distraction and pushing down.

They say "pain travels through families until someone is brave enough to feel it."

I guess I'm brave. 

And, as always, I operate

Like a vitamin veil,

One shade under subtle.

Witness the honey

Comments

[banana_galaxy]

I like the way you ended this. I'm sure I have some generational trauma that I don't know how to unpack. I thought I had good parents, but I know that's not entirely true, and my mum carried her traumas internally and never discussed them. I wish I'd been able to learn more about that stuff before she passed away.

[erulissedances]

This packed a great deal into minimal words. Gave me some food for thought.

- Erulisse (one L)

[bleodswean]

I liked this although it's such a difficult subject. Good for you for saying I feel this.

[roina_arwen]

I like this, although I’m not quite sure how the last line connects to the rest, lol.

[adoptedwriter]

So many family issues are cyclical. Hugs. Well-expressed here.

[ofearthandstars]

So many good points raised here - I have been dealing a lot lately with trying to heal the generational trauma in our family, and it's requires somewhat constant vigilance. We do try to do the best we can with what we have, though sometimes we are not always equipped with the right words and tools to do it right the first time.

[drippedonpaper]

I really like the line "they did the best they could with what they had."

As a parent of 3, I am realizing more and more the mistakes I made. I really wanted to do better. Some I can try to fix and, with some, all I can do is acknowledge, ask forgiveness, and try to do better.

As a daughter myself, I am trying to look at my own family history with more compassion. Maybe it was best they could do. The thought helps.

Best of luck to you. You are acknowledging and trying. That WILL count and help towards change in future lives.

[marlawentmad]

Your poems are delicious. There is a musicality to the language you choose. There is a melody under the stream of consciousness. The stanzas are like threads woven into a complex net, to sift through sediment for the wisdom underneath. I love your last stanza. Feeling your own feelings, as well as the unprocessed feelings of a family line is not for the faint of heart.

[favoritebean_writes]

This poem evokes a lot of different images at once, and yet I can't help but linger on that last line.

[mollywheezy]

Very thought-provoking! You've said a lot in a few words. I loved your term "psycharcheological dig." That's an excellent description of therapy. Thank you for your courage in sharing this.

[alycewilson]

Like you express here, life is so often complicated. We spent years working it out.